no one will ever read all this...
I covertly "borrowed" some old photo albums from my Dad's basement. He will get them all back; I just wanted to scan some of them. I want to have my own stash of old family photos. I'm not sure why I feel the need for this - but obviously most people do...
Mom died when I was young and sometimes I think I am trying to remember what she looked like. Or maybe I am trying to learn something of her personality. I like best the candid shots, where she is caught off-guard and I can recognize an expression that one my siblings makes. Then I feel like I know her better.
I only get a little bit sad looking at these photos. I feel pretty detached from my childhood in some ways. The photos look older than they should. Have I really been alive this long? My memory can not always be trusted.
I heard someone on the radio talking about victims of abuse. How they often tend to soar through their 20s but get bogged down in grief and disbelief again in their 30s. I was not abused but I wonder whether the same thing applies to other sorts of family disruption.
I got a little torn up in my teens but I got through it well enough and feel no regret about that time. I ususally feel pretty balanced and self-aware and like I "have dealt with it"... to the point where sometimes I even wonder whether "it" was such a big deal after all. Sometimes I am left wondering why other people can't just get over their "it"s. I am a little lacking in compassion.
I look at how my older sisters are battling shadowy issues from their past and I hope that I am not about to get dragged down in that kind of thing. I am on watch against it. I suspose that is why I am wondering about why I want these old photos.
I look at my niece and how she is fighting with the world. I'm so glad I'm past that turmoil too. I wonder if there is anything you can say to this 18 year old girl/woman to help her realize sooner that her parents are good and try their best... but they are just human too.
It is a pleasure to have come to a place of appreciation for my Dad and step-Mom and feel no ill-will toward them. It's like at some point around 22 or 23 or 24 I shed a skin and all that was gone. I don't want it back.
When I look at other's peoples "stuff", it kind of feels like I'm getting off easy. I almost feel sort of guilty for being happy.
So why do I want these pictures?
At least for now, I'm still in my blissful late 20s, I'm going to chalk it up to simple curiosity.
I like the look and colour of the old photos. I like how life was so different than.. but so much the same! I like the clothes. My brother had some awesome Addidas shirts I would still wear today. I enjoy seeing younger versions of my siblings - and seeing how much their kids take after them!! It's also a way to glean some of my Mom's personality and a way to imagine what I will be like as a mother. I get a feeling of pride looking at the clippings of my Dad's career. I think it is cool to know they met and loved and had their thing - like I do now.
I guess that's it.
I should be working on a drawing but instead I wrote this thing that probably no one else will ever read.
Originally I was just going to say that I thought this picture was really funny because it looks like my mom has 3 arms. It took me awhile to realize that that is not actually her left shoulder.
